How is life rightnow ? Therapy, therapy, therapy

Well yeah, the never ending story of my life I guess. 

THERAPY

 The whole thing with having autism, having psoriasis, having fibromyalgia, having meltdowns, … got it’s breakpunt reached.

I never stopped therapy sessions with my psychologist, or psychiatrist, but now I’m going a few times more again.

Everybody is saying you have a great job, a great new house, great family … ‘ you can’t have a mental problem’. Well I’m sure have !

For me everything has to be perfect, so it’s so damn hard if you can’t create, can’t drawn, can’t shop like you always have in a perfect way. I can’t color my hair anymore, getting new pills who are making me fat (okay I don’t eat healthy all day but that’s never get’s me as FAT as since I started to take those new pills).

So yesterday, I had an appointement with my therapist and we had a great talk. So she gave me some homework to deal with the next few weeks. One of them is starting to eat healthy the whole day long.

Eating healthy and planning what I’m going to eat the next days is so hard. Because I don’t know what I want to eat tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

Doing some groceries every day, is a total NOOOOOO … so now I have a huge struggle in front of me about food, about making better choises.

I took my favorite cook book by the hand and this evening I started to bake the Bananabread, like NIOMI SMART. She posted a video ‘what I eat in a day’ a few days ago on her YouTube channel, so I was inspired to make that to.

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So here it is! I never get this golden brown look like she has but it’s sooo delicious. 

I now have breakfast for tomorrow. Okay I took  slices as a snack already. I just couldn’t resist. I hope I can eat this tomorrow morning without my chocopaste (I’m still in my eating chocopaste period). So hope I will be okay eating this tomorrow and not having toast with chocopaste.

Tomorrow is a workday, so it’s going to be a salad for me insteat of a sandwich with some good old Dutch cheese.

I have to do this, I have to eat healthy to stay like this and not getting fatter because of the pills. If I don’t do this, and nothing will fit me, than I’ll be back on track with feeling despressed (story of my life, nothing new).

Please be kind and love your support, here on my blog, on my Instragram (@autisticcountrygirl) or Twitter (@autisticcountry).

**** Stay Smiling ****

Love lucy xx
(maybe it’s that time to start blogging under me real firstname soon)

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Why I didn’t write on my blog this past month?

Well, it’s quite shocking for me to see that me last update on my blog was on February 19. It were some very hard 4 weeks to handle everything that was happening in my life … thinking about ‘my autistic life’. 

Here’s some more details about what happened and what is still going on with me today.

Health 

Beeing on the Autistic Spectrum gives me a lot of stress every single day is a struggle. That high level of stress everyday is making my psoriasis on my head very bad. Sometimes I just want to stay inside forever. When you just took a shower and your hair is still dirty, that’s just horrible.

Besides that I also have some rheumatism pain in my hands, fingers, wrist, shoulders, knees, toos and ankles … oh and neck aswell. I can almost say everywhere in my body. Like today I woke up at 2h30 pm this afternoon and still havinging the feeling I want to be in bed.

Working 2 days in a row is so painfull and that is killing me the days after. At work I just take some medication to stop the pain for a few hours, but later at home I feel like crap.

Next week I have some doctor appointments in the hospital to do some tests to check if all my muscle pain is coming from my psoriasis or maybe it’s fibromyalgia.

Oh yeah, going to some new doctors and doing some tests is giving me so much more stress right now. I just have to be strong the next few days. And just not freak out that I have to work from Thursday through Sunday (4 whole days!).

Work

Normally at the end of this month I was finishing my job at my current workplace. There was not a chance to stay because I was just replacing a colleague who was coming back. No place for me there, so I had to start looking for a new job. Like fulltime, parttime, more hours, extra time to travel to work, waking up at 6am again, etc. Who wouldn’t be freaking out?

It’s like starting all over again and again leaving a place where you love to work.

Last week I got the most amazing news on Monday morning. I was just starting to look for some jobs on the internet, when my boss called. They offered me a new contract starting April 2nd till …. (my pension I hope). I just can’t say how HAPPY I felt that moment.

I closed the computer and stopped looking for some new jobs. A part of my stresslevel went down. I felt so good. Keeping this job was so important, and I’m so glad for this chance they gave me.

Weight

When having this pain I take a lot of pain medication during the days I work. Besides that I also use some cremes for the pain. All those things that I do to stop the pain for a few hours, are giving me some weight gane.

Okay, at this point my pants, dresses etc are killing me. Nothing seems to fit good. So scary 😦 But I will work on a healthy diet again.

Not eating peanutbutter is not an issue. I will never give that up.

At this moment I’m baking a healty pineapple cake. So hope I can keep it healthy the next weeks.

Moving

Well as my house is almost finised, it’s also time to start thinking about moving out. Moving for the first time in my life, for the first time in 33 years I’m leaving this house, this farm. It really makes me so sad, and it’s also giving me some more stress. Oh yess, there it is again … some more stress. Like my life is under presure at the moment, time to break every moment.

I’m already started to paint some wall pink, working on my Ikea Hemnes Bathroom like I dreamed off. Oh and I started to pack at home. That is another hard and horrible thing to do. How can you pack in a few weeks? Well, I can’t, I just can’t.

When I take somenthing to put in a box, I have to think like a 1000 times if it’s the right box, do I need that thing in the next weeks, do I really need this in my new home. Saying goodbye to shoes and clothes that’s not done for me. But I have to do it. I just can’t move more than a 100 pairs off shoes in my new dressing room.

I still need some room and space for the new collection of shoes and bags that will come in the next years as I have to buy some new shoes and bags EVERY season to wear in the store.

Steve Madden is my greatest idol ever, and I just am so proud to be a  shoeseller like him and leaving my dream in a shoestore.

Depression

The past weeks I felt a bit depressed, like life was not worth it. With the help of a great team I finally can say it’s going a bit better. Not there yet but I keep working on it every day.

Having some mental problems is hard, and it’s not better in just a few days. Life is a job where you have to work on it every single day.

Glad I can see those words to myself 🙂

Blogging

I totally missed blogging the past weeks. I was active on twitter and on my Instagram but I will write and spend some more time in my blogging. Hope you will still be there to read my story !

Thank you !!!

Love Lucy xx