How to deal with BAD NEWS … RIP KATE SPADE

About 2 hours ago I got the terrible news on my Facebook news page … KATE SPADE has died.

What ? How ? I’m still so shocked about the new that one of my idols has past away. This is just to hard at the moment to deal with it.

Kate Spade by Fox news

I just can’t realize that she’s really gone. Suicide or not … it’s just horrible.

It will take a while for me, #aspiegirl, to deal with this. Saying goodbye is so hard, even when it’s about people I don’t know personaly. She was such a great designer, such a great artist, and my idol.

Well, at this moment I’m glad I still have therapy myself to deal with everything in my life … because the OLD me would just go to  the website and grieve by buying so much of her bags. Now I learned that buying when grieving is not okay, but now it’s harder to sit here alone at home. (with the whole internet talking about Kate)

I just have to be strong and not shop till I drop, otherwise therapy isn’t worth the money. And it’s already costing me more than a pair of shoes everymonth. Like 180 EUR every month is a lot, so got to be strong ‘I NEED TO DO THIS IN A GOOD WAY’.

Going to try to do some handlettering about Kate Spade later. I will sure miss here, and hope she will live further by her brand, her bags, her creativity.

How do you handle the bad news you get? This is getting me so hard right now. And that while yesterday a car was found in the river here in my area, with a far family member that has past way in the water. Shocking day here in this small village, but the news about Kate is getting me so much harder. Guess you all think it’s wrong, but it’s just the way I feel right now. Maybe it’s the part of my autistic brain that is having difficulties because it’s happened so close to me, and trying to get over it as quickly like most people here around me. Strange, but don’t know the answer sadly 😦

Love Lucy xx

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I got my keys

A lot is going on the last past days/weeks, which comes with a lot of stress, a lot of scary moments. Later more about that.

BUT there’s also some good news.

I GOT THE KEYS OF MY NEW HOME

So yesterday was the last day the builders had access to my house to replace things or to do stuff. The last day, because now it’s officially mine.

I’m really happy to have my own place, my own quite place. For me as an autistic girl I really need some quite places for just me. Time to rest, time to take a nap during the day, without beeing told to do stuff.

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Now it’s only some little work that has to be done, like painting the wall upstairs before I can move all my clothes and other stuff.

Now I can go to Ikea and pick all the items I really like to make it mine.

Before I really move I have some bad workweeks coming with a lot of workdays. So guess I’ll be moving around June. Well that’s the plan, you never know what could happen, right.

Well, that’s it for this little blog. Just wanted to share you all the great new I had yesterday, that I have my keys to my new house !!!

Love Lucy xx

The day after Christmas

So here it is … The day after Christmas ! Yesterday I was hoping for this day to come, now I want it do be over !

When your body is killing yourself !

As a girl with autism, one of the things I really hate is the holiday season in December. Really like the past week, and the upcoming week.

How about Christmas day?

Well, I can be short … it was a horrible day ! We had some family over for the afternoon and dinner time.

Everybody was screaming, yelling insteat of talking and that all before drinking alcohol. So I start to watch some episodes of Fuller House on mij iPhone.

That was good for 45 min and then I had to go home (the house next door). I was already too much, and need a time to escape the madness.

It wasn’t that great beeing there together, like always I started to get a migraine. Those people don’t understand ‘having autism’ so I haven’t told them I have autism. Will it change their behevior? NOPE, it will be worst I guess.

So next Christmas I’ll be living on my own, and I will be just alone for Christmas without family and without the screaming. Then it will be just me and my cats.

Spending Christmas in a quiet place, YEAH I really can’t wait. Maybe that will make me love the holidays again.

For dinner I had just a sandwich with peanutbutter and jam, and some whipped cream cake.

After dinner I had enough ! I went home, not saying goodbye and locked the door here. I wanted to be alone. Later that evening they were leaving and they were knocking on the door, but I refused to open it and to say goodbye. When I’m hurt I’m hurt. 

The day after Christmas

So what about today ?

Today I woke up at 9am, ate some breakfast and went back to bad. My head was exploding and I had pain just everywhere (now I have horrible pain in my hand writing this blog).

This afternoon I stayed in bed and watched the last episodes of Fuller House. I actually woke up again and came out of bed around 3 pm!

All my muscles hurt so much, can bearly move and have no energy doing stuff.

Seeing a doctor?

Yes, I’ve searched for an appointement with a specialist. Everywhere here in my area is having a long waiting time. SO, I can have an appointement at the end of MAY.

Yess you read it good ! An appointement in MAY ! So this will be a long 5 months with pain everywhere. So horrible! (I know this blog had a lot of ‘horrible’ in it, sorry). Feeling like Grumpy cat right now. 

” What I got for Christmas? “

Everybody is showing their ‘what I got for Christmas’ on their Instagram/Twitter/Facebook and their blog.

No I will not show here my list of things “what I got for Christmas”? Euhm why not? Well simple ! I didn’t got a present for Christmas.

WHAT? You might be shocked ! But is another reason why I don’t feel all the Christmas spirit like anyone else. For me not a surprise, I’m used to it. Maybe I will get some presents at New Year.

But I’m not expecting some big presents !

So I’m a bit sorry that I can’t watch all your “what I got for Christmas” blogs, it’s making this autistic girl feel sad 😥 

Love Lucy xx

 

Blogmas 24 … Merry Christmas !

” It’s the most magical time of year “

Like the song goes ” it’s the most wonderfull time of year “, everybody is having some magical days.

Everybody !

Everybody, the whole world BUT

ME

Weeks before Christmas

Weeks before Christmas, everybody is so looking forward to the holiday season. Planning what to eat on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Planning what to buy for family and friends. Where to spend the holidays, where to go shopping etc.

And than there’s the Christmas tree. Buying a new tree (if it’s a real one), or putting your plastic one again. New decorations or all the decorations you already have collected before?

All those things, give so much stress for me. And really I’m totally not ready to celebrate Christmas or New Year.

Christmas tree

So this year, I was quite early putting my tree up and putting decorations in the tree. I didn’t spend a lot of time, but everybody is loving my tree so I’m happy. I did something good this year !

Here’s a little trowback of when I set my tree up.

Christmas music

I really love Christmas music, like I wrote in my blogmas earlier this week. I can’t stop listening to the Christmas album of Lady Antebellum.

It’s still so great, every time I put it on.

Christmas spirit

I have to admit my Christmas spirit is going off and on, off and on. Some moments I really love all the things about Christmas is coming, other days I can really sit back and wish all those days were over.

Like today … after seeing the lightning parade yesterday I felt some Christmas magic. Today I kind of lost it again. I don’t really have the feeling that it’s Christmas Eve today. Christmas tomorrow, OMGosh !

Christmas Eve

Well, you might guess … I’m sitting here at my table to write my blogmas (blogmas 23 and blogmas 24) insteat of celebrating Christmas with family.

Everyone on my personal Facebook is posting pictures and sending messages of them having a great diner and playing games together. I kind of put away my iPhone for the rest of the evening.

All my friends and family are sitting at a table to have diner and have a great time with each other. Well, I’m here having a ‘great’ time at my computer.

No plans today. I kind of missed not beeing at work. The only thing I did today was thinking, thinking, thinking and sleeping. Really not in the mood and not having the spirit of Christmas.

Most people with autism feel lonely and don’t like the holidays … well I’m one of those pleople.

Grinch

Okay, don’t get me wrong ! I’m not the GRINCH ! I’m not going to steal christmas from everyone. I just having a day and evening like any other sunday.

Maybe next year will be different.

So different this year

Now it’s the first year without my granny to celebrate the holiday, so another reason for me to not like the holidays this year.

I really love things that I know, and things that are familier. Now this year everything changed since my granny passed. A thing this #aspie girl really hates. All those changes, I hate changes in my life.

Christmas Day

Tomorrow some family will come over to eat. They will come around 2 pm in the afternoon. So I have plenthy of time to sleep and take a nap after lunch to clear my head before they come.

They are so loud, and I just don’t like all that hugging and all that kissing. So my plan for tomorrow is to come downstairs later than they arrive so I can skip that part. Hopefully.

The idea that I will not have internet access the afternoon, and I will be stuck at the table, makes my so scared.

Christmas Day outfit

To escape from all the dressing stress tomorrow morning I already put aside my outfit for tomorrow.

I will be wearing my normal black skinny jeans from JDY, black scarf from Zara (if it’s to cold I have something extra).

I will also wear my Christmas jumper by H&M, that I bought a few days ago.

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Meowy Christmas to all of you ! 

For shoes I’m still in doubt. I have 2 options but they are both loafers. I will be chosing between these 2 …

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Golden loafers from ‘Marco Tozzi’, new collection available at Schoenen Torfs (Belgium)

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Gucci look-a-like from Steve Madden, winter collection available at Schoenen Torfs

The party is at my brothers house, so first I have to wear my old Timberland boots to go to all the dirth to get there (new building). So I will wear one of them inside, and maybe I’ll take the other pair with me.

The rest of the day will be hard, sitting there with all the screaming, movie playing, music playing, family talking etc. Maybe I’ll go home between all the food and watch ‘Olaf’s frozen Adventure’ on television.

Or maybe, I’ll come back here to blog, I will see.

But for now …

 

Merry Christmas to all of you !
Have a magical Christmas Eve and enjoy the time with your family and friends!

Love, Lucy xx

Blogmas 23 … Tractor lightning parade

I have to be honest … when I think about ‘a lightning parade’ I think of Fantilussion at Disneyland Paris or the Electrical Parade in Walt Disney Worlds Magic Kingdom.

BUT

Here in Belgium, we have our own kind of lightning parade around the holiday season. As I live on the countryside and not in a big city, we here have a TRACTOR lightning parade every year.

Tractors (old and new ones) covered in lights, 1000 of lights.

Tractor Lightning Parade @ Werchter, Belgium

So yesterday evening, we here had a tractor parade in the small village of Werchter. A parade over a few villages, and a party after the parade.

Year after Year, I really wanted to go and see all those lights in real life.

As you know I have autism, so I was always to scared to go. All the different lights, all the noices, all the different music playing at the same time, too much people, cold, waiting while surrounded by 100 or more people.

I want to go, I want to go, I’m not going, I’m not going … OKAY I’m going

So yesterday, I had planned to go and see all the tractors. During the day, I was constantly thinking ” I’m going, I’m going not, I’m going, I’m going NOT “.

I was kind of horrible having all those different ideas during the day. In the morning I had do  do some grocery shopping and I was so stressed out by all the lines in the stores, all the people … that I needed some time alone.

Around 3pm I made up my mind and decided to go and see all the tractors mysefl (instead of seeing pictures from everybody on Facebook).

Tractor Lightning Parade it is !

I took my iPhone, extra charger, scarf, warm jacket and gloves and joined my brother to Werchter, to see all the tractors. Yess, if you are a farmers daughter you still have some little thing about tractors.

Maybe for most of you it’s not the right combination of beeing a lifestyleblogger (fashionblogger in future) and blog about seeing some tractors. For me it’s a good combination. As I’m moving out of this farm in a few months, the love for tractors I take with me.

As you know … NO LIFE WITHOUT FARMERS 😉

The last few days I kind of lost the magic of the Christmas season. I guess it came because we had early snowfal in December and now it’s so dark, warm and rainy outside.

But I have to admit, yesterday evening I felt the whole Christmas spirit again.

I still have friends with tractors, kind of like the song of Rodney Attins is about me
Friends with tractors – Rodney Atkins

Let’s go and see some tractors.

Some of the tractors were so beautiful decorated, other had just the basic lights.

More tractors, and more tractors to come

I’m so sorry for all the overload of tractors right now, and sorry for the not great quality but I’m saving money to buy a camera 😉 so now I only have my iPhone 

Next stop

After all the tractors where leaving in Werchter, we went to see the real parade on the street somewhere in an other city (village).

We drove a few minutes, and waited there in Tremelo (the city where Father Damian lived, sorry for the historylesson).

We waited a few minutes till the parade arrived. Now we saw the whole parade and not only the tractors, and the leaving part of the parade.

Parade

As I have an Iphone to take pictures, I didn’t took pictures during the parade. I knew that they were all not going to be great and beautiful. So I filmed the whole parade.

Okay, you might find this all boring, and I can understand. If I had lived in a city or in another country I wouldn’t be there yesterday. It’s something for a country(farmers)girl like me.

Because of all the tractors, I will only share the whole parade if you want to see it so badly 😉 Please leave a comment, if you like to see the movie I took last night with all the tractors passing on the street.

One thing I didn’t like, was that there were tractors without christmas music. It would be better and funnier to watch if all the tractors were playing a Christmas song like before the start in Werchter.

A girl with autism and this ?

Well, it was a hard time beeing there. That’s TRUE ! OMG, all those lights, ,different lights, all the colors, all the people, all the different kind of music … AND that all at the same time. It was kind of the nightmare I was scared for, and it was true.

Here’s a little movie I took with everything around me. I felt like a psychco, and feeling to get crazy standing there !

This was the moment before the parade started.

I had a great time yesterday evening but it was also a big nightmare for me with my autism. So today I had a very bad morning. So much pain, so much emotions, not really wanted to wake up and do some stuff.

Next year?

Okay, let me be clear ! This was a once in a lifetime event for me. If I want to go back next year, please hold me and lock me up ! It was so beautiful but not worth all the pain I felt all day.

So no, I will not go back next year. I will stay at home, comfy and cosy in my PJ’s and watching a movie.

So this was #blogmas 23 of yesterday and a Christmas tradition here in Belgium.

Hope it was okay to see all the tractors. I can totally understand if you hated it.

Love Lucy xx

 

Please note … I’m so sorry for all the tractors in this blog ! 

Blogmas 17 … lazy (painfull) Sunday

December 17 … week week till the Holidays

So today I had a day off. Yesterday was a bizzy workday but a great one. Like every story I have to post, I have some terrible pains everywhere.

If I work a day, I need a day to be at home and do nothing. Just laying in bed, and sleep.

But today my family had some more plans for today, so it was a very hard day.

Now it’s 8pm and the pain is just killing me, even while I’m writing this blog. My hands are thick and I have a terrible headache.

My plan for this evening was to write a blogmas about my favorite songs, but that I just can’t do at the moment. This autism girl wanted to write a blog tonight so that’s what I’m doing right now.

Tomorrow I have a day full of plans so I hope it will be okay and feeling better tomorrow.

So pain, what kind of pain do I have?

  • A lot of pain everywhere in my body and some tender points
  • Spots where I have more pain and more pressure
  • Fatigue (all day long)
  • problems with sleeping
  • a lot of concentration problems (not knowing what day it is, what I have to do or what people told me like 5 minutes ago in the store)
  • anxiety and feeling a bit of my “old” depression symptoms feeling coming back
  • every moring I have stiffness
  • numbless and tingling everywhere like my hands, knees, legs, arms
  • migraines, headache one is just over and I have another one
  • problems with my stomach
  • painfull eyes
  • and bigger neck lymph

Dr. Google?

Like many others, there’s always dr. Google. Not a good idea, because I’m freaking out when I’m searching on those symptoms.

I went to my doctor for a test to see if I had rheumatism or not. The results were negative. So he gave me some more vitamins, magnesium and iron tablets. I had to take them for a month or 2 months.

But now after a month I don’t feel any differents. It’s so sad that I have to say that the problems are getting worse.

Fibromyalgia

After searching on those symtoms I get so many results from the internet that are saying ‘fibromyalgia’.

As I’m a girl with autism I have like always tensions of all the stress I have all day in like every situation (working, going grocery shopping, taking a buss, going to the city). All that tension could make things worse.

The last thing I want is a long time spending in the hospital for doing some more test or spending days there to found out what’s wrong. Not knowing what will happen with me that day, always freaks me out.

So now I don’t know what to do. I really love my job and I just don’t want to give it up or stay at home because of all the pain. I only have 3 months left there at my work place and I want to spend those months at work and not in a hospital.

Christmas and Holidays?

This year I don’t have plans for Christmas eve, or the year ending. Besides that I have to work December 30 and 31. Guess I will be in bed on December 31 at 9pm like always 😦
While all my facebook is having a party I’ll be at home, in bed watching a movie or just sleeping.

On Christmas day I a family diner in the afternoon. But if I have so much pain and if I’m so fatigue like today. I guess I’ll be just in my room and watching a movie on Netflix. I don’t have the best family for parties. The make always so much noise and they always give me so much headache.

For you?

So I hope you all have amizing holidays this year and great parties !

One day …

One day, I hope that I can life a happy life without this much pain. That I found a really good doctor that give me some advice on how to life with this pain.

Love, Lucy xx